hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
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me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Donkey Kong sommelier
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.