A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.