I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Made something I’m not proud of
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”