“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*