Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
You Might Also Like
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’d rather fork than spoon.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.