Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Venn
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*