I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You Might Also Like
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
this is how life feels
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.