*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.