Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
This trial is so absurd 😭
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.