Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Not all heroes wear capes….
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.