This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Weirdos gonna weird.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell