Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Sending in my taxes
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”