Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
You Might Also Like
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer