Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?