[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Damn he played himself
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Bring back the McRib
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.