My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?