The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Perfect
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.