I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
The struggle is real
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.