me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”