“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long鈥檚 this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
i鈥檝e been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Isn鈥檛 that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 馃槙
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I鈥檓 literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife鈥檚 list, but no worries I鈥檓 sure there鈥檚 another dad here that I can copy off of.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
My grocery list.
1. Don鈥檛 run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If the murder robots look like wall鈥 I will betray all of you
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.