*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
You Might Also Like
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Cha-ching is my safe word
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*