I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
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Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
“That’s what” – She
You sure about that?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
girls literally only want one thing..
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
So sick of all these stupid rules
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story