Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Imma just leave this here…………
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Liquor Store Parking
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not