[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy