Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.