Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.