Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Love this one 😂🧟
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?