They got a point!
You Might Also Like
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
✌🏽
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
WHY?!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”