like u make the diseases or are against them ?
You Might Also Like
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
finally found a reasonable question
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
thank god