If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing