Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have