“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
buying dead houseplants to save time
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Something Saturday.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy