The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*