ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.