Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
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My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Story of my life…..
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…