yes, those are my real potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
You had me at “define legal”.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting