Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.