*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.