Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
There’s never enough good news
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night