Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.