This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Lassie, get help!
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it