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“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.