[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol