Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”