me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours