3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Cheer up.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo