*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
This is my pinned tweet
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…