I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
He wanted to make sure😂
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school