[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
is nasa ok
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.