I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day